I can do better

 Have you ever cried out to God that you wanted a change within yourself and you were willing to do everything to put in the effort? Then later that day or moments later you find yourself going through the same thing that cause you to cry out to God in the first place? Yes that has definitely been me. Today I was laying on the bathroom floor hiding from my children and I just needed a moment to cry out to God begging and pleading for a better life for a better me for a change mind. As I was praying I met every word but moments later soon as I got up I couldn't help myself to be annoyed and see my children's father and felt all of the resentment that I've been trying to pray off me build up. There he was sleeping peacefully as I wake up day in and day out taking care of the kids trying to be the better version of myself everyday while he can freely come and go and I'm struggling too find an income to keep me free from feeling trapped. I yelled and said I'm about to go find a job knowing that it provoke his insecurities. We got to an argument of course that he what about how the house is not cleaned and I don't have energy to clean up but I have energy to get a job. And this is true there are days where I just refuse to clean up because I don't see the point. This house feels like a prison not a whole I don't have the finances to build it up and he's okay living with the bare minimum and that is not an excuse because my children deserve better. Now what I said messy house I'm not talking about filth where we need to do an deep cleaning but I do leave a few dishes in the sink clothes in the hamper and toys on the floor and he wants to come home to a empty sink mopped floor and a Thanksgiving dinner. He wants to to create a miracle when he has only given me penises. But at the end of the day I have to hold myself accountable because at the year after year of no approvement I still allow myself to stay and put the blame on him where he's only doing what I allowed him. It just hurts to see somebody really not value you and now that my children are getting older that is one of my biggest nightmares for them to feel or do the same thing as me. So I can tell them to do better all I want but until I get up and do better, I know it will go in one ear out the other.